Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Public Safety

Dear Readers (friends, family, or strange Russians, whichever you are),

I wish to keep you safe this holiday so I feel that it is my public duty to the public to warn you of a huge holiday danger. Now, according to the Syracuse Poison Control Center, the eleven biggest holiday dangers are:
  1. Button batteries. 3,500 button battery ingestions are reported each year. Mostly in children. (How an adult would ingest a button battery is beyond me but... I'm sure it has happened. I'm sure I am probably related to one of them.)
  2. Medications. (Those are normally year-round things.. But, since winter is cold-and-flu season, okay.)
  3. Alcoholic beverages.
  4. Lamp oils (didn't know we still used them..) and incense and/or reed diffusers.
  5. Bubble lights (oh so pretty..) or vintage ornaments. (Years past weren't nearly as safe as now. For Christmas, I'm getting a large, plastic bubble to hide in. That way, I won't get hurt and germs won't get me. You can thank John Tesh for that idea.)
  6. Super glue. (Apparently people package their holiday gifts with super glue. I did not know. And apparently super glue resembles eye drops. Gosh, I would love to be there for that.)
  7. Snow sprays.
  8. Poinsettias.
  9. Holly. The berries are toxic and kids can die after ingesting twenty berries. (Why parents let their kids just sit and eat holly is beyond me. And who even uses real holly? I've never even seen the stuff. It's all plastic-Garden Ridge holly.
  10. Jerusalem Cherry. Every part of this plant is toxic. And people still keep it around.. Hmmm..
  11. And finally, mistletoe. The leaves, stems, and berries are all toxic.
Funny that mistletoe should be on the list. Because that is one of the biggest dangers of all. My dears, I have come to warn you of the biggest holiday danger of all: Nargles.
Nargles love to hide in mistletoe. They are terrible thieves. Luna Lovegood is a victim. However, you can keep them at bay easily. Just make a Butterbeer cork necklace and radish earrings. Nargles can't stand radishes.
I hope you found this educational, helpful, and beneficial to your holiday safety. There has yet to be a Nargle- extermination- technique that complies with both FDA and Wizard-standards. So, fellow holiday-goers, beware of Nargles and avoid the mistletoe.

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