Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Why Teddy Roosevelt was the Coolest President Ever and Why FDR Sucked in Comparison

Why Teddy Roosevelt Rocks My Socks:
He was a sickly child, but Teddikins (my affectionate nickname for the greatest guy ever) went on to do so many things.

  • He was born in October. Which is, like, my second-favorite month. So, right there, he was a pretty schnazzy fellow. Then, he was born in New York, which is my favorite state ever. So, by sheer due date and location of entry, Teddyursa is pretty well-off.
  • He's the second child. Number two.
  • At age seven, he saw a dead seal at the market. Instead of being traumatized, sickly little Teds-Boggins became fascinated in zoology. He even asked for-- and got-- the seal head. Then, he learned about taxidermy so he could kill and stuff his own animals. 
  • At age nine, he wrote a paper about bugs. Just because he could. What a little perdy-nerdy Teds-McGuffin was.
  • He had a photographic memory. He could dictate two separate things to two secretaries at the same time and flip through a new book. If that isn't smart, I don't know what is.
  • He had a serious heart problem and the doctors said he should get a quiet desk job. But Teedie didn't. He chose a very strenuous life.
  • His wife and mom died on the same day. Teddy never spoke of either death. He kept a diary. The entry that day was, "X The light has gone out of my life."
  • Three outlaws stole his riverboat. Teddy hunted them down. But, instead of killing them, took them to a trial. He guarded them for forty hours, reading to keep himself awake. 
  • He married a woman named Kermit. And had a son named Kermit.
  • He's the only US President to be awarded the Medal of Honor. 
  • When McKinley died, Teddy kept his ways. He didn't replace them with his own. It was like McKinley was still in office. Except he was dead. And Teddy was there. And, let's face it, Teddy was way cool. Why?
  • McKinley died from a gunshot. Teddy was shot and, without seeking medical attention, gave a speech. Why? Because he figured that, since he wasn't coughing up blood, he would be okay and hadn't been gravely wounded by a gunshot to the chest.
  • His speech was ninety minutes long. He began it by saying, "Ladies and gentlemen, I don't know whether you fully understand that I have just been shot; but it takes more than that to kill a Bull Moose."
  • He was an avid hunter. He killed everything. His house is actually kind of creepy. But still really cool. He has everything in there!
  • The Boy Scouts named him Chief Scout Citizen.
  • He led the Rough Riders.
  • He dug through a country. Laterally, of course, but still. He commissioned the Panama Canal and was there for the entire thing.
  • "The old lion is dead." was the announcement his son Archie sent out after Teddy died of a heart attack.
  • He boxed, even though he was blind in one eye, due to a boxing accident.
  • "Tread softly and carry a big stick."
  • He kept a badger as a pet. The badger was named Josiah.
Now, why FDR sucks in comparison.
He was a sickly child. But, instead of growing up to pwn the whole world, he got defeated by mud. That's it.

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